Why Did My Covert Abuser Mistreat Me Worse after He Cheated
When a covert abuser cheats, the mistreatment of their partner often intensifies afterward — and though it may seem backwards (you'd think guilt would make them kinder), it actually follows a disturbing logic rooted in shame, self-protection, and manipulation.
Here’s why my mistreatment got worse:
1. They Need to Justify Their Betrayal
Covert abusers can’t tolerate the idea that they are the “bad guy.” So rather than feel guilty for cheating, they often:
Devalue the partner in their mind to justify their actions ("She was cold," "He didn't appreciate me").
Reframe the story to make themselves the victim, even of their own cheating ("I had to cheat because I wasn’t happy").
To maintain this self-image, they often project blame, criticize more harshly, or emotionally withdraw even further.
2. You Become a Mirror of Their Guilt
After cheating, your very presence can trigger deep shame — especially if you still treat them with love or ask difficult questions. Rather than own their actions:
They may punish you emotionally to distance themselves from the guilt.
Silent treatment, gaslighting, and emotional coldness escalate.
You represent the truth, and they can't handle it — so they turn on you.
3. They Fear Exposure or Consequences
Cheating often puts a covert narcissist at risk of being “found out.” To prevent that, they may:
Go on the offense: accusing you of being crazy, jealous, or unstable.
Confuse and distract you with emotional chaos.
This tactic (called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) helps them control the narrative and avoid accountability.
4. They Are Grooming a New Supply
After cheating, many covert abusers are already bonding with someone new. To detach from you:
They dehumanize and emotionally abandon you.
They discard you slowly (or suddenly), often while love-bombing someone else.
They want a clean slate and may smear you behind your back to justify leaving.
5. You’re No Longer Idealized
Once they’ve cheated, the illusion of you as their perfect partner is gone in their eyes. The devaluation phase begins:
You’re picked apart, dismissed, or ignored.
Your needs, emotions, and pain are treated as inconvenient or dramatic.
This is part of the abuse cycle (idealize → devalue → discard).
6. They Enjoy the Power Shift
Covert abusers thrive on control and superiority. Cheating can give them a surge of power:
They know something you don’t.
They feel "desirable" and detached.
If you sense something's off and confront them, they often gaslight to maintain that power.
The worse you feel, the more in control they feel.
You’re Not Crazy — You’re Being Strategically Undermined
If you’re feeling confused, devalued, and emotionally wrecked after your partner’s betrayal, that’s not your fault. It’s a response to calculated manipulation meant to:
Protect their image,
Avoid responsibility, and
Shift blame to you.
You deserve truth, care, and support — not further abuse.
My abuser did all of the above….Carlin