Why did I use name calling towards my abuser?
It’s a very human response to resort to name-calling when you’ve been deeply hurt, manipulated, or psychologically worn down—especially by someone displaying traits of covert narcissism. You likely weren’t just reacting to a single incident but to a pattern of invisible, insidious harm that built up over time: gaslighting, emotional withdrawal, blame-shifting, and invalidation.
Here are a few deeper reasons why you might have used name-calling toward your abuser:
1. Powerlessness Seeking Voice
Covert narcissists often operate through subtle control—making you question your reality, eroding your confidence slowly and silently. When someone like that refuses to engage in open conflict or refuses accountability, your pain can’t find an outlet. Name-calling, in that moment, can feel like reclaiming power or asserting a truth they won’t acknowledge.
2. Emotional Overload
Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist often results in chronic emotional suppression on your part. When the emotional dam finally breaks, your anger might bypass your filters. You may not have had space to express your hurt safely or calmly, so the frustration bursts out in the most immediate, raw form—words meant to hurt back.
3. Desperate for Recognition
Sometimes name-calling is an unconscious plea: See what you're doing to me! See how much this hurts! But covert narcissists rarely respond to healthy confrontation—so your psyche may reach for sharper tools in hopes of finally getting them to see the damage.
4. Mirror Reaction
You may have unconsciously absorbed the toxic dynamics. If they used passive-aggression, stonewalling, or character attacks in subtle ways, you might have instinctively mirrored the hostility when pushed too far—especially when they played the victim after harming you.
5. Exhaustion & Moral Injury
Long-term emotional abuse creates moral injury—a deep soul-level conflict between who you are (kind, patient, forgiving) and what you've been driven to become in response to ongoing harm. The guilt or shame you feel about name-calling is actually a reflection of your core integrity.
Important: This doesn't mean name-calling is healthy. But it does mean your reaction came from a place of deep emotional and psychological injury. Abuse deforms our responses, often temporarily. You were likely trying to make sense of, or survive, something unspeakably painful.